Super “me” is feeling the effects of my own personal Kryptonite!

When I’m feeling stressed and overwhelmed (which has been pretty much life lately), I count on others around me to pick up the slack while I work through whatever is being thrown at me.  Lately, that has been the audit.  Meetings started this week with the auditor and I now have a face to put on the nameless terror of my nightmare.  She seems very nice.  The reality is that she can really hurt our family and I’m remembering how the previous auditor in 2008 seemed very nice until she swept the floor with us for trusting our accountant.  When she laid down the verdict in the final meeting, she wasn’t nice, warm or fuzzy.  Instead, we walked into the meeting stone faced and stone faced she remained throughout the sentence pronouncement.  She acknowledged that she understood that we had followed the advice of our accountant and then looked at me sarcastically and asked if I really thought anyone in their right mind would think that was legal.  *sigh*  So, in essence, she saw us as stupid which we obviously were as we didn’t even see it coming.

Fast forward to now…..  After the drilling of thousands of questions regarding how we handle money of any kind for our business and personal uses which lasted over 3 hours, this new auditor asked me if I had any questions.  I simply asked one thing… “How long will this last so that I can plan my time for the business and our home life around this?”

Her reply was cautious saying, “I’m not sure how long this will take to work through.  Do you have something important coming up that we might have to work around?”

Thinking quickly and thinking that this was still a ways off and expecting  a response along the lines of — oh, it won’t take that long, I said, “Well, my daughter is getting married in early January and it would be nice if this was done before then.”

Her response?  She said while shaking her head in doubt, “I’m not sure that will be possible, but I will try.”

Seriously?!?!?!?!  There went my holidays.  My nightmare will not be going away anytime soon.  It will continue to haunt me into the coming year.

So, in the midst of my working with the auditor for 2 full days, life at the clinic went chaotic.  With dh planning on being away at the end of the week for the state convention, appointments for the week had been condensed into 4 days versus 5.  Add to that, a colleague’s wife passing away and needing us to cover their appointments as well, and our appointment schedule blew up.  Dh is great and I love him so much, but he doesn’t handle being overwhelmed well.  His melancholic personality tends to take him into the dumps and everyone around him feels the effects.  So, when I got back to the office after 2 days with the auditor (which within one hour, she found something that the accountant obviously didn’t see and didn’t count in the return and which was from dh’s side job which just added more stress to him) and most of the day on Wednesday at a seminar and webinar, attitudes were tense and very stressed.  It took much of the morning, listening to, caring for, and cajoling attitudes to a more positive mood.  As I said to dh, we are stressed.  That much is obvious.  BUT, our employees and customers are counting on us to be upbeat and positive to help them through the stresses they are experiencing as well.  That as the manager/leader, we needed to set the tone.  So, thankfully, that helped him and pulled all of us into a better working frame of mind.

Reality??  Due to dh’s temperament, I realized for the hundredth time that this is all on me in so many ways.  I need him to stay positive and to stay strong so that our business continues to run smoothly through this tough stressful time.  I need his strength and support to help me get through this and in order for that to happen, I need to stay positive to keep him positive.  I can’t let on to him how stressed I am as the more stressed I feel, the worse he feels.  So, staying positive in everything is the goal.

But, my own personal Kryptonite brought me down!  What is you might ask?  My own personal Kryptonite is chaos in my home.  When my life is going nuts around me, I need the order of my home to counter the rest of life’s chaos.  Order at home allows home to be my sanctuary and stronghold.  So, when I came home from work on Friday, tired and drained after a day of trying to catch up and do the work I normally would accomplish in five days in the 2 and 1/2 I had, I was looking forward to going to a fun evening watching a comedy play at the high school #3 dd goes to with the kids.  But, when I called en route to make sure they were eating and to give them an ETA on my return, I found that they hadn’t even made dinner yet.  Then, when I walked in, I found 1 child playing in the middle of the living room with toys EVERYWHERE, another sitting reading a book, another messing with her hair and the other running around trying to do all that she should have done all day in 10 minutes before we had to leave.  My house was NOT in order.  It too, was chaos.  So, the mean mom in me came out as I started to ask a few questions.  I quickly found out that no one had washed any dishes all day and my kitchen was trashed.  My living room was trashed with toys that the youngest had pulled out to play with all day since there was no school.  I found that the one who was rushing around trying to do everything quickly, had not done any homework for school (she was off all day too) even though she has homework due on Monday, has 8 missing assignments, and is flunking a class which is required for her to graduate in May.  And to top it all off, the oldest one at home had slept in until she had to get up and go to work at 10 am and then had been playing with hairstyles vs doing any of her household duties even though that was her only time to do anything since she worked all day today AND even though she had not done any of said chores which were supposed to be done weekly for the previous 4 weeks.

That became the straw that broke this camel’s back.  I can go a LONG time without water, but I am not invincible.  My Kryptonite exposure was walking into my home yesterday to find a bunch of hooligans had taken over our house and had disguised themselves as my children.  So, now I have to stay positive and upbeat for my dh and I have no stronghold/sanctuary to come home to.  Instead I have to stay strong and focused as all of the years of training I have already done for my children falls apart if I am not the constantly vigilant parent guiding/disciplining my children.

The reality is that I’m not Supermom, Supermanager, Superwife or anything super.  I just feel as if I have to be so everyone else can be super in who God is calling them to be.  Days and weeks like this last one makes me wonder where I can just be myself when I don’t have to be someone or something for everyone else.

Oh yea — my second sanctuary — God and retreat!  Only 5 more days, and I get to be me.  Finally!  Now that it is one hands’ worth of days, I need to start counting down hours…..  as of right now, that would be 122 hours (of which 40 of them should be sleep, so only 82 hours of being alive/aware before I get to leave. 😀

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