hope vs. darkness

The nightmare continues as I prep for this audit.  The information request document is 18 pages long.  One item listed ALL bank statements, cancelled checks and deposit slips for all passbook, checking, savings and investment accounts for you, your spouse and all of your dependents.  That is just one item out of 112 items we have to prepare/gather.  An understatement would be that I am overwhelmed.

I have had to take time away from my office to work on this.  Time away for anyone who has a job where they are the only one doing said job is just going to mean being even more overwhelmed when I do get back to my desk.  All of this just feels like such a weight on my shoulders!  I am finding myself vacillating between hope and sheer blackness.  It is easiest to just ignore it and go on with life as if it isn’t there.  But, I have never been described as an ostrich before and really don’t know how to act like one.  Instead, I tend to stick my foot in the middle of the melee and then wonder why I can’t walk when my foot gets crushed.

Today, my accountant crashed my dreams of ignorance by telling me that this won’t be done at 5 pm on Nov 12th after the IRS gets to tour our business.  Instead, he told me that this will take months.  So, after I blacked out and regained consciousness, I find myself battling the darkness/nightmare again as I try to comprehend how anyone can survive the weight of this process for that long of a period, let alone through the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays.  And then of course, for one of the events mothers wait for and when the last thing I want to be doing is worrying — my oldest daughter’s wedding.  The first in our family to be married.  My first daughter starting her own family and life the way God has intended for her.  I want this to be a time of joy and celebration for the wonderful gift she is to us as well as to celebrate the wonder and hope that God has in store for her within her new family and the next generation of ours.   Instead, I will still be battling this monster?

I may need to take lessons on being an ostrich.  If only I could find one that can give me lessons before I hyperventilate. Sooner rather than later preferably!

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