Hello, my name is Kelly and I’m a sinner. I seem to be in a mood for a bit of self-revelation tonight. See, others seem to think I don’t know my own foibles, weaknesses, and sins. They seem to think I just want them to look at me and tell me, “You’re an angel.” Well, if they did that, I would look at them and ask, “Now, who is lying?”
I have made a big error in judgement. I assumed that those I spend a huge chunk of time with each day and who smile and nod and act like they care about me, really don’t. In fact, not only do they not care about me, they call me names behind my back. They say one thing to my face and say the exact opposite when I’m not there. When I thought we were each working toward the same basic goal, I found out that we had two totally different goals. Mine is to run an honest, hardworking business where every person we work with is part of our larger extended clinic family. Theirs is to get a paycheck and do whatever they deem necessary to keep getting that check.
My second error in judgement? To expose my kids to these false relationships as well. Because of my time being needed by my kids through homeschooling and my time/presence being needed at the business, I had combined both so that I could pop between duties on a regular basis. I loved the experience of having my kids with me and yet still being able to help my husband as well. But, instead of them getting an education about how business works and how to serve others through your work, I have exposed them to the same hurt that I have experienced — feeling betrayed by those who seemed to be care about us. The biggest problem with this? I can deal with the feeling of betrayal. I’ve experienced it before and will more times through my life. My brain can process the realities and can help my heart along with knowledge. But, my kids don’t have that ability to process what happened. And so, I hurt even more at their confusion and pain especially because ultimately, I know I was the cause of their pain. If I hadn’t exposed them to that experience, they wouldn’t have been hurt.
For a while there, I felt a level of pride. That I was actually following God’s will and still providing for the needs of the girls and providing the support for my husband. I felt like I had actually figured out how to balance and keep spinning all of these plates. In fact, the last post I made was about a vision that instead of having all of these different plates to keep spinning, I really only had one plate. That plate had different items with different weights, but that it would be possible for me to balance out those different weights and keep the plate spinning evenly.
Well, that was the hope. That was the dream. That was actually the illusion. I find it interesting that as soon as I thought it was humanly possible to do such a thing, life as I knew it crashed and became a huge mess.
So, why do I say I’m a sinner? Because, I am. I can see now looking at my recent thoughts and patterns that I was letting Satan into my thinking. I can’t do anything on my own, especially what I thought I was doing. I am the weakest and most fragile being on my own. On my own, I can do nothing. I was praying and I was telling God what I needed to do. I wasn’t asking. I was telling. I did at one time ask God to help me do it and to guide me in doing it. But, doing it wasn’t an option in my mind. In fact, when a priest questioned me on whether I really should be doing what I was trying to do, I felt angry. How could he question me on that? He didn’t know my life. He didn’t know my options. He didn’t know me and couldn’t judge me. So, instead of hearing his question and examining it, I closed my mind and heart to the question and in so doing, closed my heart to God and set off on my own path.
So, whether I have done the sins I was accused of the other day or not, I know without a doubt one sin I have done. I re-played the role of Eve from Genesis that we heard about in the readings at Mass today. Just like Eve, I thought I could be as wise as God and that I could do this on my own. Instead of realizing that I am a creature born with original sin, a sin which continues to challenge and tempt me every day to not need God, I thought I was God and could control my own life. How much worse can it get? All other sin pales in comparison to this one.
Overall, reflecting on the past few days, I want to thank God for the pain and hurt I have been feeling. This open wound humiliates me and cleanses me. This pain is truly a gift of mercy. Thank you Lord for this gift of pain! Your gift Lord is my salvation!